The thing about Match.com is that not only does it suck, it knows it sucks. 

Not only is the site so unconfident in its own efficacy that unless you specifically cancel your account it will automatically resubscribe you but getting a refund is easier than ordering a pizza. Its literally the easiest automated process i’ve ever partaken in. You can get a refund without reason or explanation by simply hitting a couple buttons on a phone keypad. No operator, no customer service rep, no dissatisfaction survey. An educated guess tells me that so many customers were unsatisfied with the service, that they had to STREAMLINE THE REFUND PROCESS. Think about that one, big boy. 

Now before I make wild accusations about how everyone and everything sucks, which I inevitably will, let me say first that in general, it takes a certain suspension of… something in order to even give online dating a try. Being that my father’s profession for my most of my pre and teen years was to converse with older men in chat rooms under the guise of being an underage girl or boy, I have been heavily inundated with a fear of casual anonymous internet interactions.  As I got older, one would figure that this fear would slowly fade… but no. At 14 my girlfriends and I thought it was HILARIOUS to have sexy AIM chats with strangers just to see who could imagine the most absurd and debasing sexual situation, but that was in jest. Now I’m 26 and every time someone emailed me on Match I figured there was something horribly wrong with them, or that they wanted to like, pee on me or something (not that there’s anything innately wrong with peeing on peeps for kicks, just ain’t my bag). The craigslist killer basically validated every irrational thought I had about buying secondhand bookshelves, and I didn’t join match.com until they started screening for sex offenders. So basically the fact that I went on 4 dates in 3 months is pretty amazing. I can’t be the only person with hang-ups… and to top it off, I don’t care WHO your are or WHAT your Dad does for a living… you know whats really fucking awkward? Chatting with complete strangers via e-mail who probably live within 5 miles of where you sleep with a joint purpose of trying to figure out whether or not you’d be into having a normal face to face conversation, which only serves the purpose of figuring out whether or not you’d like to STOP talking… naked. You spend sometimes weeks trying to force conversation VIA E-MAIL based on a set of confined interests that match.com asks you to lay out in order to show the world the ”real you”. And in most cases the “real you” is the person you WISH you were, because you conveniently forget the part where YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY MEET OTHER PEOPLE. This isn’t second life motherfucker… I know you’re not really 5’10. And then you meet someone in person and its like, do I know you? Are we strangers? Should I reference your profile? Does the bartender know were obviously on a match date? I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW I DON’T KNOW. 

So having said all this why did I even try? 

Because at some point I have to stop being that bartender that sleeps with all the customers. First off, It can be bad for business - since i’m more often than not accidentally a jerk via the misperception of social awkwardness. They stop coming in. Second of all - not always grade A meat. Turkey burgers will get you through your day… eh? So being that I’m always IN bars (usually sober), If I do go OUT to a bar its like a Tuesday, and the majority of people I go out with are male (inevitable cliterference)… Its hard to meet anyone new. Years of bartending have also made me naturally unresponsive to male attention, so even if they shrug off my natural cold shoulder, if I am getting hit on I have no idea. I honestly think everyone wants to be my buddy. I have no idea if someone is into me until their penis is in my vagina, and even then i’m not sure. I’m not even sure if I CARE. So yeah, I moved to a new city, my booty call pool was inexistent… creepy internet dating seemed like a viable possibility. Also I figured that since you have to PAY for match, it would weed out the creepers, rapists, sexual deviants and serial killers that would probably go on plenty of fish or ok cupid. (note: WRONG) (note on the note: WRONG only about creepers).

So, In the spirit of fairness… I was on the site so I am, technically, one of the the “them” of which I speak. Fine, cool. I am a little creepy, and some would call me a sexual deviant. No big deal. But I think its different for ladies. Most of the emails I got (that weren’t just blatantly disgusting or in some internet language of typos I’ll never be ok with) were explicitly sent to me were because of what I WASN’T. Because I WASN’T a Marina girl (NYers… think Nassau County meets the Upper East Side… pearls meets fake tans and eyelashes), or because I wasn’t a crunchy who talked about a love of nature and gypsy skirts. The emails that I received that were BECAUSE of who they thought I was (hate to say it but, hot geek girl) were from uber-nerd super genius PHDs from Palo Alto who were basically building Skynet and probably hadn’t seen sunshine since undergrad.  I basically set myself up for failure by trying to be myself. WHICH MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL. 

But its true, because the 1st thing we judge and are judged on, are our pictures. Then we read the “about me” sections. So we already have some sort of notion of this person. If at the beginning of every novel the author put a picture of each their characters, wouldn’t you think that a lot of books would be perceived drastically differently - or read drastically differently… even read at all in some instances? I do. So now we’re gonna take these pictures (you only get 25 to show, but you don’t wanna be that guy, so lets say 14 or 15 carefully culled snapshots) and add to whatever preconceived notion the little machine in our noggin has already drudged up. Does this person have lots of pictures of themselves in front of mountains? Well traveled, adventurous, athletic, rich? Does this person have lots of pictures of themselves partying? Wild child, party-animal, young, alcoholic? Does this person have only pictures taken through their computer’s camera? No friends, self-absorbed, prima donna, hiding something? You catch my drift. Then we read whatever pretentious drivel they decided was a good description of themselves to sell to the world. It usually all looks the same as everyone else’s, but matched with they’re carefully collated pictures, WHAM… you got yourself a yes, or a no.

So here was my profile (100% for real no edit):

Most people call me Mega.

I’m a recent (september) transplant from NYC.

I’m a film graduate. I’m a bartender. I like to write. I want to go back to school.

I’m really terrible at writing these things because there’s a fine line between hubris and self-promotion - and self-promotion and honest description of yourself. I’d rather write about things like narwhals and smelly people.

So just know this… I am probably the coolest, most bad ass human being you will ever meet. and you will probably meet hundreds of thousands of people in this lifetime, so just think of the amazingness i must behold. but its ok, because i’m totally cool and humble about it.

Here is why I rule:

I am a blackbelt in karate.

By karate. I mean high 5’s.

I am pretty smart (yes, both.)

I have seen the full series of the new(er) Battlestar Gallactica all the way through at least 4 times.

I can juggle AT LEAST 1 ball at a time.

It takes negative 5 seconds for a thought to form and then travel from my brain and come out of my mouth.

I am extremely independent, and rarely need help. Unless the subject matter includes wiring. or swatches.

I don’t care for lying. Unless i say “lol”. generally, that statement is false.

All my teeth are real, and presently accounted for.

I do not knit. I probably never will.

My hair recently has become more brunette. So I’ve already unintentionally misled you.

There is probably more, but  I don’t wish to scare anyone off… which hopefully you aren’t. Hopefully you also don’t mind sarcasm, irrational anger for the purpose of humor and a ladyfriend who keeps really weird hours. And hopefully you have a healthy sense of humor, a thick skin, and a general curiosity in life. I can be goofy but I also have a serious side… and an intensely awkward and clumsy side.

So as for who or what i’m looking for? I don’t know, I don’t think its wise to “look for” anything. I’m looking for some new people to hang with, share a few laughs, and have an expectation-free good time and see whether things can grow, or not, from there.

I’m also looking for some autobots to smash.

I got a lot of these: “best profile i’ve seen on match!” “best profile ever!” “u r orgnal”. To which I always responded “Thanks!” (if they were hot)… and then that was that. Where do you go from there? 

I got a lot of cartoon talk - mind you I opened myself up to this by having Megatron as part of my username… but that doesn’t mean i’m fluent in Sealab 2021… i’m really only mildly familiar with 2 or 3 seasons but SO MUCH PRESSURE. 

I got lots of movie talk. Also the error I made in film school. Everyone likes movies, but there is a big different when your favorite movies are 8 1/2 and Shadows versus Encino Man and the Cutting Edge. Guess which ones are mine?! 

I got a lot of crap. Basically. But I couldn’t expect more than crap, because the only thing harder than responding to generic bullshit is ACTUALLY WRITING IT. The one or two times I took the time to write an actual response (seriously 2 paragraphs would take me like an hour) It was radio silence from then on. Which, is not good for the ego. Shut me down in person, but shut me down because of my match.com email RESPONSE to a conversation YOU prompted. Shit, son. 

But, like I said, I did actually go on 4 dates. So some emails did actually go well. And I shall recount them, in all their awful glory… in another post. Because I didn’t mean to be so verbose. I started a diet today and calorie restriction means I’m even more easily worked the fuck up. Watch. Out. 

More rants to come.